Friday, November 21, 2008

the sads


We have a phenomenon in our family (perhaps in yours?) called "the sads." It comes after we spend time together and then have to return home to life/home. It's not a recent thing--I remember getting "the sads" sending my oldest brother back to college after Thanksgiving when I was 7 years old. The sads still happen every time one of my siblings comes into town and then leave, but it's always ten times more extreme when we all get together. Such as happened this weekend.

I've been saying goodbye all week, and it hasn't been pretty. Kendra last Saturday; Kevin and kids on Sunday; Tyler and family on Tuesday; Drew, Amy, and Shannon on Wednesday, and my MOM on Thursday. Of course I miss them all, but goodbye's to Drew and my Mom just about did me in. I was a mess yesterday. Random tears all day.

I'm pretty sad.

Throw in that I put Jayson on a plane this morning to go to Portland for a funeral (I'm alone!!) and a very recent miscarriage that I'm almost able to talk about--I'm hardly eating anything but milkshakes and cookies. Which isn't helping how I'm feeling.

I cope by shopping (retail therapy) and eating crap, neither of which are really healthy. These two options are not really helping right now--I don't feel like shopping because I gained weight during my short pregnancy, in addition to commiting long ago not to buy clothes until after I had another baby. And eating crap really really isn't helping because I really don't want to gain even more weight. Pleh.

I'm not really looking for sympathy, I'm looking for help. How do you bounce back from a hard few days? How do you cope? And how do you cope with a two year old around?

I'm about to cut my hair, or buy wii fit. I have happy music blaring to try and keep me positive, but I'm afraid I'm going to do something drastic. Stop me!

19 comments:

Brandi,Dan & Lukas said...

Oh Heidi I am so sorry. I had NO idea that you had gone through that. If you need ANYTHING a play date for Mae so you can have some time to yourself just friend to hang out with (I am alone a lot since Dan goes to school and works) just call or come on over. While Jay is gone we could go to dinner or something. Your in my prayers. I haven't ever had a miscarriage so I don't know how that feels but I do know how it feels to want something so bad (baby wise) and things not going as planned. If you ever need someone to talk to please please call me or like I said come on over.

Sharalea said...

If I was there I'd have more tangible things to offer...a movie night, a park visit for Mae, an escape at the spa, a cry session.
Far away, I can only say I am sorry for your loss, your feelings, and your recent *sads*. Sending southern hugs your way...

Bridget said...

Ah, Heidi, you should have called me! I'm so sorry. And that totally sucks! I know you said you don't want sympathy so I'll stop there . . . unless you decide you want to talk, then I could definitely say more :). I think you have some good ideas on getting rid of the sads already. I've heard wii fit is fun and upbeat music almost always helps. One other suggestion, get a babysitter and go see Twilight with some girls wearing a stupid twilight t-shirt, maybe out to dinner too, and then some Christmas shopping. Finding stuff to keep your mind off it helps, but really what you mostly need is time. Love you.

LisaJ said...

Heidi, I am so sorry! I have had a miscarriage, so I can empathize with you.There really isn't much to say that will make it better (I know), but please know that it does get easier, the pain does go away, and you have a neighbor who would LOVE to exercise with you!! (Hey, if you'd lend me pads, I'd do anything for you!!) :) Hang in there, and call me if you want to talk!

Angie said...

Miscarriages can be hard...so sorry to hear that you have had one.
Whenever I am sad, I try to think of something that I can do for someone else. Focusing on others always makes me feel better. (Of course that is after I've consumed all the cookies and brownies and ice cream and pudding and chocolate bars and...)
Hope you are feeling better soon.

Garner Family said...

I am sad with you Heidi. When I read your post it made me cry. It is hard to have a friend go through such a hard time. We should get a babysitter for tonight and go to a movie or something to help get your mind off of things. I will find the sitter if you want to get out.

The Livingstones said...

Heidi I'm so sorry about the miscarraige. I had no idea. And, it's no fun watching the whole family leave one by one. It sounds like you need a trip to Ruby Valley. One thing is for sure, you don't have to worry about doing any shopping here! We have LOTS of projects to keep a person busy, and LOTS of open space if you just want to recharge - or run forever - whichever.

erin said...

Sorry to hear that you are having the sads...I know that it always seems to come in bunches. I am really impressed that you are able to reach out. That is really cool and I think important.
When I am trying to deal with lots of hard emotions I find that a little diversion helps. I usually start reading a lot of books. I also sleep a lot. Now that I think about it, I could probably use better coping habits.
I like what people have said about spending time with people that love you and truly support you.. .people who give you positive energy and who can help you find perspective.

Trying to Stay Calm! said...

I am new here! What a great blog :)

janae said...

Oh, Heidi! I am so, so sorry! And having a two year-old around can make it hard to actually do things that help you bounce back! I know they are so ... cliche? ... but these are the things that help me bounce back:

1) Wake up early enough that I have time to really read my scriptures and pray (I shoot for 30-45 minutes), and then shower and get ready, before the kids are up. It is amazing what a shower and so mascara can do for your day! And the benefits of scriptures are obvious. :)

2) Take another 30-45 minutes to meditate and pray at night after the kids have gone to bed. My favorite position is laying on my back looking at the sky. If it is cold, I try to find a window I can lay by. Then I just stare into the great abyss, ponder on the beauty of the stars, and think and talk, and talk and think. I always walk away rejuvenated.

I (try) do those two every day until I feel better. The next two I try to do every week:

3) After the kids are in bed, draw and warm bath and set up my laptop to play my favorite comforting general conference talks (I go to the BYU Television archives). Current favorites (from the most recent conference): Elder Uchtdorf from RS & Sat Morning (or aft), Elder Cook, Elder Wirthlin, and Elder Perry. I stay in the tub until the water is cold and my skin is pruney, just absorbing the comforting thoughts.

4) I try to plan a trip somewhere. It can be for an hour, an afternoon, or a day. But I pick a day, and plan for something. Even if it is just going to the Springville Art Museum for an hour. Once I've done it, I journal (or blog) about it and plan for the next thing. Something about me likes the checklist thing of planning, executing and checking something off. The whole reason we do our eastern excursions is to stave off my postpartum.

Part of me says, "I don't have time to do these kinds of things!" But the truth is, I don't have time NOT to do them. I need to feel better, and I need to feel better soon.

Good luck! I'm thinking of you and praying for you!

janae said...

ps. holy novel. I should have just emailed you. Sorry!

a not so desperate housewife said...

heidi! i agree with lisaj...it does get easier and the pain does go away. (i'll have to fill you in about our run in with miscarriage another time.) until you start feeling better, i'm all for going and buying that wii fit man! it's the BEST thing ever. you'll have to see jon beat everyone at hula hooping sometime :)

sarah said...

Oh, Heidi...I just saw you and I had no idea you'd had such a miserable time lately. I'm sorry about the miscarriage.
What can we do to help? Can Mae come over for dinner and movie night with us tonight so you can take a long walk and a warm bath?
We'll eat at around 6. Can we come pick her up?
(or would you like to join us?)
Please....you have friends all around. Even one three doors down(ok, I had to count that).

Maddie said...

i am so sorry for you aunt heidi.
now i am sad for you. i am so sorry about the micarrige. i'll bet mae would have loved to have a new baby sister. :((((((SO SAD!!!!!

darcie said...

Dear Heidi--I am so sorry for your loss! I am also sorry that you had to say goodbye to everyone because saying goodbye is the worst! I wish that I had good advice but unfortunately I don't. I think that good music always helps. I wish that I could offer something profound but please know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers. Love--Darcie

Ryan and Hailee said...

Wow, I am so sorry Heidi, I wish could say something to make you feel better. Elisa, Sara, and Jessie are going to get together in a few weeks for a breakfast or lunch, some sort of party and let the kids play together, I have recently chatted with old friends and it really makes me happy. I moved away from great people recently who I really really miss, but talking with old friends has really helped. Let me know if you want to get together, we all would love too see you!!!

Anonymous said...

Buying really manly things for my husband always does the trick for me. ie. camera gear, honda lawnmower, or any firearm usually fits the bill. He might like different stuff--but I highly doubt it.

Ruth said...

I just read your blog post, and it makes me wish I was there to give you a hug... sometimes I think the most important thing you can do is to give yourself permission to not be coping quite as well as you would like. I have other ideas too--that's what you get for having a psychotherapist friend--but as I type them out they start to get long and convoluded. Call me if you want, and I will give you a free session! Or several.

Joshua and Jolie said...

Heidi, I only now read this post so sorry it's a little late. But I feel for you so much right now! My heart aches because you are so sad right now. Finding peace and understanding after having a miscarriage is a trial indeed. Turning toward the Savior and gaining His strength and feeling His love helps the most. He understands your inner pain. My heart and prayers go out to you!

If I had some words of advice to help with all the things that are making you sad right now, maybe you can turn your tendency to eating "crap" towards eating healthy to start preparing your body for another pregnancy? I don't know, does that make any sense what I'm saying? In other words, maybe it would lift your spirits every time you eat some veggies, knowing that when you are pregnant again (whenever you decide to try again, believe me, I know that thinking about that soon after a miscarriage is hard) your baby will be getting the nutrients.
Then you can feel better about your own body once again.

By the way, you look so fabulous!